Happy Sunday.

It is Tuesday. Don't be confused by my title. On Sunday I realized that in 2 days (which translates into today) I will have gone a full two months without writing in my blog. It is easy to let it go once I start letting it go (if that made sense). Like too many other things in my life. So I started writing a blog post but then didn't finish it. I was about to do a prayer time and had some thoughts and I thought they would be good to put down. To help myself figure them out. 

I wanted to use the word melancholy in my title but I am not sure of its exact meaning. But I meant to use it to explain that this post won't be funny or uplifting. Just a little bit of thinking out loud and trying to sort my feelings while I am at it.

I love being here. 

I love being in Guatemala where the scenery is fantastic from afar even though it is really dirty up close. 

I love living in a culture that says "good afternoon" to everyone as they get on the chicken bus, or say "have a good day" as they get off the elevator in a nice mall in the capital city. 

I love watching men get up and let women have the inside of the bus seat so that the man will have 3/4 of his back end hanging in mid air, likely with a hand cramp from holding onto the rail (in an attempt to keep said back end LOOK like it is level while not falling off the seat when the G-forces increase as we whip around corners) and a cramped hip from using muscles that are unfamiliar to holding said back end in the air. I would like to insert here that I didn't used to be a fan of "chivalry" but I guess I do like it now. Especially when I have had one cramped hip too many. The chicken buses are really the best place to see the generosity and thoughtfulness in full swing.

I love going to the children's home and have the kids see me and make a beeline for me while yelling "mama" (only one can talk and hold a conversation and the few kids who have a few words either use mama or anna for everyone they see and know) and then get up in my arms and snuggle. I can't get enough of that. 

I love my church. Staying here for Christmas was the best thing that could have happened. I was sad to be away from everyone but I received so much by being here. I got to know a lot of people in the church that I would have not otherwise gotten close to. And I really cherish those friendships. 

I love that I have my friend Ruth here. I can go to her house whenever I want (well, when I have money and time) and I can lay on her couch for a week and not feel bad about it. I don't have to try to keep conversation going because if there is a silence it is one of those ones that don't matter. Although to be honest, we are not often silent. :) 

I love that people send me candy. I love the candy too, but the act of being SENT candy is what makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Mmmmm. Fuzzy peaches.

I love being able to speak Spanish. I know I am far from perfect but I understand what people say to me, and I can make myself be understood to other people. That is a big thing for me. 

I love what God it teaching me here. I know this should have been the first thing that popped into my mind, and trust me. I thought about moving this sentence to the head of the list, but I couldn't let myself. :) I am learning to hear from Him. Another thing I am far from perfect on. I think this takes practice an daily dedication to be confidently hearing God's voice and knowing there is no other way to go. I am also learning I am not perfect. Grace and understanding is being taught to me right now. Kind of a hard one when you have pride and when you are hurting.

But there is a flip side to this coin. There are sacrifices to be made. As most of you know, Disney is one of my favorite things. Disney movies, Disneyland, Disney World, and anything else that is cute and Disney. I have already been to Disney World twice, Disneyland four times, and Disney Paris once. This should be sufficient. But I still want more. I want to go on a Disney cruise. I want to go back to Disney World and spend days and days there until I am sick of it. I want to work for some Disney park, anywhere. And I wonder if I am 50 when I leave here, will I still be able to go to Disney World and still have so much fun? Or will I just look like some silly old lady? Aw, who cares? It is Disney World!!!!!

I want to go to Paris and spend a year learning French. I want to go to Italy and spend a year learning Italian. I want to go to Belguim and spend a year learning.... Belgique? To be honest, I have no idea what they speak. I want to go and live right in the middle of New York City for a year. 

I want to go to WalMart when I feel like it and buy a bag of candy. Or a new DVD. Or Kraft Dinner. I want to go out alone at night and not feel scared (terrified). I want to not have to worry about the way men look at me, or how to respond when they try to get my attention, or want to talk too long, or ask for my phone number just because I happen to be standing at the bus stop.  Or not worry about walking down the road and having my purse stolen or slashed. I want to have a shower that always works. I want a Honda CRV with heated seats, air conditioning, a fantastic sound system, and a sun roof. But not electric windows. I am too afraid they will short out if I drive into a lake. And then I won't be able to break the window to get out and I will die a slow and painful death. 

I want to go to the Cheesecake Factory and eat until I almost explode. I want to go to Old Navy and buy a bunch of relatively cheap t-shirts that I will have to replace in a year because they get these little holes in the front. But also not worry about having to buy them again in a year because I know the money will always be there for them. 

Small side note. Just googled the official language of Belgium. Dutch is most prominent, followed by French and German. Mostly I want to live there because I went once for two nights and I ate an authentic Belgium waffle that changed my life. 

There is a recurring theme here. Money. It takes a LOT of money to do those things. And if I was still at home making the money I did, and living at a low cost of living like I did, these things would be possible. I think this is the thing that most people (myself included) thought would be one of my biggest problems. That and being lonely. And until the last week or so, these were just very occasional thoughts that crossed my mind and didn't truly bother me. And maybe it is because I am going home in two weeks. I will be back among all these great conveniences, great people, great food and I am worried about how I will react. 

One of my friends has lived here for eight years. She was talking to me about going home. It is a hard time for her. She doesn't fully fit in here and she doesn't fully fit in at home. She is closer to being Guatemalan in the way she thinks and acts but no matter how flawless her Spanish is, she is white and will never be a true Guatemalan. But seeing the things she has seen here has changed the U.S. for her. Things bother her that most people in North America wouldn't think twice about. She works in a small town at a school for special needs kids. She makes home visits and takes kids to specialists and raises money for medications and daily sees the hard life that most Guatemalans live. 

I live in an apartment that has cement walls, tile floors and indoor running water. I am way ahead of the game. I volunteer in a children's home where they also have running water, clean clothes, enough food, electricity, and while they are struggling to make ends meet every month, God is faithful and keeps them fed and clothed and housed. So I don't see the poverty every day. Maybe this is why I can live in the country with the second highest rate of malnutrition (behind Haiti) in Central America and still be slightly apathetic. 

I hate that I have become "comfortable" here. I hate that I am not fired up and inspired to go find hungry kids and give them food. Or sick kids and give them medicine. Or kids with no house and build them a house. Or kids with no parents and give them unconditional love and affection while teaching them about God's unconditional love and affection.

What I feel led to do is go into children's home administration.

This keeps me in this comfort zone. For now. And it doesn't highlight my education as a nurse. My ultimate goal, and what I think God has in store for me, is to start a children's home for special needs kids. What that would do is: take hungry special needs kids and give them food EVERY day, give sick special needs kids the medicine they need, AS SOON AS THEY NEED IT, give special needs kids who have no home or roof over their head, their very own HOUSE, and lastly, it would give special needs kids the unconditional LOVE of Jesus every. single. day. 

It is just not glamorous. It wouldn't garner as much attention, or back slapping, or good stories for my blog as would running into the dumps every day loaded with food and medicine and candy. And I have to be okay with that. I mean, who doesn't love a good back slap from a friend or someone you respect? And yet, I feel God calling me into that and I would rather get a good back slap from Him. 

So, to keep these other feelings at bay, I need to pray. I think it is Satan working against me. I have committed to something for when I return and I don't think he likes it. So I am getting these feelings of unease and wanting more. This is not the me that I want to be. I WANT to be smack dab in God's will for my life and not give a hoot about what anyone else around me thinks. 

And I DON'T want to go home and have all those things. Well, to visit yes, but I want to stay living here.

So if you would join with me in prayer I would love that. I am sorry that this rambled on and on and I would love to get back to my regular funny story postings. I just need to get it out on "paper" so that I can move on from it. Here is a picture of one of the kids that I get to cuddle and play with and give love to every day. 

This is why I am here.