I have my leaving date for Rehoboth Children's Home. I tear up again just thinking about it. As of March 30th, I will not be seeing my kids every day. And it breaks my heart.
When I think about starting there almost 2 years ago, I think about how I was a different person. I have learned a lot about the definition of love. I have learned what parents talk about when they are so angry with their child they could scream, and yet they love them so much.
I didn't expect it. I thought I would enjoy the kids, play with them, help them with their chores, and learn what I could about really living and working in the ministry of a Children's Home. And then I thought I would happily leave and move on to the next phase in my life.
I have learned about words and actions. What I say and do affects each child differently. I have to constantly show them that I love them, and that God loves them. I have to set boundaries and limits, and give out disciplines when those lines are crossed (even though that was a great struggle for me to begin with). These kids are physically abused, sexually abused, abandoned and unloved. They don't trust adults. They sometimes don't even trust themselves.
And now I am just one more person that is leaving.
I tell them that I love them and I tell them why I am moving on and I tell them that I will visit them. But it won't be the same. I know their personalities and their likes and their dislikes. They tell me what they did in school that day ("nothing". I am sure every parent/guardian has heard that one. I used to say it myself all the time!). They notice when I have a new pair of pants or different shoes on. They express their delight when they are drying dishes and find a brand new plate that wasn't there before. They tell me their little jokes and tell me that my joke is lame. (I really only have one joke that I ever remember and I think it is pretty cute. What did the number 0 say to the number 8? Nice belt! Hee hee.) They tell me bits of their past: unprompted and at random times. They feel safe with me.
I give them hugs throughout the day and kiss them when I tuck them in at night. And now I won't be there. I am so excited about my next step and yet my heart is breaking saying goodbye to my nephews and nieces. I love to be called auntie. I love just being with them.
My biggest hope is that I somehow made a difference in their lives. That they will remember me, and most of all remember how much I love them. I want to continue watching them grow up. How much they have changed in the 2 years I have known them! I was talking to one of the 19 year olds the other day. We were talking about how I wasn't married and didn't have children, and maybe I never would. I told him that I was happy right now, but would I be sad and alone when I was old? I jokingly asked him if he would be around to hang out with me when I was old and he replied jokingly that he wouldn't. Then he got serious and said the his kids and his grandkids would be around for me. I pray that this is true. I don't want it to be a complete ending of my relationship with them. But I need to be intentional in my visits with them. I can't let a year slip by without seeing them. And maybe that wouldn't happen, but it so easily could.
So pray for me and my kids. Pray that we transition well. Pray they don't start to reject me before I leave as a form of self-preservation. Because as much as I understand it, it will hurt me. Pray that they will truly understand WHY I am leaving them. I think of individual kids and the absolute sadness on their faces when they found out. And I think of how much it means to me to see their sadness. I know that they truly love me back.
Pray that I finish up my time with them in a positive way. That I accomplish with them all that God had planned for me and my time with them.
I'm not sure how the kids will go on without my positive example in their lives. I am sure my friend Amy sitting next to me wonders how she can go on being my friend.
| Just so you know, it is not all hugs and smiles and butterflies with me. Sometimes I just don't want my picture taken! |
And please pray for the next steps. I had a medium sized panic attack this weekend when I started thinking about the future. But I will write about that in another post.
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