Carlos.

(Carlos is not his real name. But for some reason I want to protect him so I am going to call him Carlos.)

I love Carlos. He breaks my heart. And he has been heavy on my heart for a few days now.

He is about 10 years old. I noticed him first because he would come running to give me a hug whenever I came (before I started full time) and would be so happy to see me. Who wouldn't love that?

As time went on I got to know him better. He has such a deep need to be loved, I don't think anyone, no matter who much they give him, will ever fill that need for him.

And as I got to know him I realized how he interacted with others. He is annoying. His desire to be involved or included is so great that it is overwhelming to those around him. If someone is playing a game he has to get right up beside them to watch. If someone is wrestling on the floor he has to throw himself on top of them. If someone is joking about something he has to laugh the loudest while looking around to see who is laughing with him. If no one is paying attention to him he has to hit another child, or tease them, or throw things at them (paper, erasers, etc.). Anything to get ANY kind of attention. And that just makes things worse.

He feels rejection so acutely. And when he feels rejected from me and he cries, it tears my heart into pieces. When he is doing homework he often cries if I tell him he needs to correct what he has done. This doesn't bother me as much. But when he is in trouble and he is in his room in a time out and I don't play with him or let him do something else; this is when he feels his most acute rejection from me. And he is in his room a lot lately.

He was told at the beginning of September that he would be going back to his home at the end of October. The courts wanted him to be able to finish out this school year. But his home situation is no bed of roses. Hence, him being with us. But the courts ordered (without a full investigation) that he be returned to his family. There are some family members that truly care for him and others who don't. But none of them want him to come back to the family house.

Since then he has been acting out even more. He broke a table at school. He ripped his backpack. He threw a rock at another boy from our home who attends the same school as him. He got into a fight with that other boy. And he fought again. And again.

It was explained to me by someone from the outside (she is a social worker in North America and volunteering with us for a bit) why he is doing that. And it ripped my heart out all over again.

He knows he is leaving. And it hurts. So if he gets everyone at school and the home mad at him, he can be mad at them, and it won't hurt so bad when he actually leaves. Oh God, help me.

I just want to steal him from the home, take him with me and pour into him for the rest of his life.

And sometimes I am the hardest on him. Aren't we often hardest on the ones we love the most?

I want everyone else to love him like I do. So I want him to change who he is so he is more loveable. I want him to not hike his pants up so high. I want him to not sit too close to the other kids unless they don't mind. I want him to be smarter so they won't make fun of him when he plays a new game and doesn't understand. I want him to stop fighting. For attention. I want him to stop playing when he is supposed to be doing chores so that no one can get mad at him for that.

In doing all that, I appear harsh at times. And yet every day, he comes running up to me after school and gives me the biggest hug. Every day.

A few weeks ago when he broke a table at school I wanted to talk to him about it. To convince him to not do it again so nobody would be mad at him. I asked him why he did it. Did he do it accidently? No. Did he do it because he was mad? No. Did he do it for attention? Yes.

Yesterday he had been in his room for a time out. For fighting. Again. He was playing with a toy. Which is not allowed in a time out. So I said he had to put it away and sit by the wall. I would rather be mad at him myself than have someone else mad at him. He started to cry (which doesn't always bother me) but then he looked up at me and I could see it. I was just another person in his life that didn't love him. That was always mad at him. That didn't accept him for who he was. Even as I write this I am crying again.

I left without saying anything. Later in the day he was sweeping in the boys room. I came up to him and told him I love him (which I often do). I asked if he knew that. He said yes. I asked him if I loved him when I was mad at him. He said no, I didn't. Really? How can he not know I love him every second of every day????

Well, let's see. He is 10. And some of his family members died. So they left him. Those who moved in to replace them didn't love him. So he had to come to us. And the kids are annoyed by him and reject him. The adults seem to be always mad at him. And now he has to go back to that family. So he is leaving us. What do I expect??

And yet, this kid remains happy. He sings and dances sometimes when he is sweeping. He loves coming to my house and often asks when he can go again. Today? Tomorrow? 5 days from now? (As a side note. They kids have a chance every 4 months to come to my house. Every month I have a different group. And he seems to have NO concept of 4 months from now.) He runs to me and hugs me whenever he comes home from school. If he is at the home when I get there in the a.m. he often runs to the car to hug me. He can play with his little toys and amuse himself and find others funny. For all his rejection and unhappiness, he is a very resilient little boy.

I mentioned earlier that he has a need for love that no one can fill. I am trying my hardest but I know it is not enough. He needs Jesus. Jesus can do this for him. But he needs to be taught. He needs to accept Him. He needs to remember when he goes back to his home and is being rejected over and over and over again.

So please pray for Carlos. And pray for me. That I can make the most of the time we have left together. That I can tell him how much I love him. That I can show him. That I can show him how much Jesus loves him and wants to be his Daddy. That Jesus is the one who will never reject him.

And pray for my heart. That will be breaking as he leaves me.

Update: It is now a few hours later. I was talking with the director of the Home. She told me more about his family history. It breaks me even more.

His dad was killed in front of him by a gang member last Christmas. Seriously??? In front of him! And then his mom took off and ran away to live in the U.S. I think an adult would have trouble dealing with that, let alone a little boy.

We do have a psychologist that comes in every Saturday to meet with our kids on an individual basis. But he is going to need a LOT more than some therapy. He needs the healing that only Jesus can bring him. Please pray.